Oh, I also happen to be gay. What I mean is I tend to be attracted to and fall in love with people who are of the same gender as me. This is not something that I chose to be (who in their right minds would choose to be rejected and reviled?!) and I realized early on that it was more than just a phase.
One thing I did choose (well, it depends on your theological understanding of choice) is to be a Christian. Spirituality has always been important to me and I have been a Christian since I was 13. And by all accounts, I have had an “illustrious background” as a Christian. I had a life-changing encounter with God when I was 19. I became actively involved in an evangelical Christian group in university. I taught Bible study, led worship, organized camps, went on mission trips and was chosen to be in the leadership team. I spent 4 years as a missionary in Japan and I attended a conservative Bible College.
Just that throughout all that time, I remained gay and I couldn’t understand why God didn’t change me even though I prayed, fasted and begged him to. It devastated me to think that I must be a contradiction, an anomaly, a creation gone wrong. I was very close to my family and I could usually talk to them about anything. Well, except this. I couldn’t imagine how my parents would react if they knew I was gay. It would break their hearts. So I wrestled alone with my faith and my sexuality. Both were undeniable facts of my life and the belief that there was no way to reconcile the two almost killed me. How could God accept a contradiction like me?
Things finally came to a head when I was trying to get over the breakup of a relationship that lasted 3 years. The pain and utter loneliness I experienced at that point in my life almost broke me. I was hurting badly and there wasn’t a single soul I could confide in. I usually tell my mum everything but how could I tell her I was gay and grieving over a broken relationship? I wasn’t out to any of my friends. Well, the one friend that I did come out to several years before had a really hard time dealing with the fact that I was in a same-sex relationship and she almost severed all ties with me. So other than God, there was no one I could talk to. I remember crying in my room everyday and washing my face just before dinnertime, hoping no one would notice anything was wrong.
During that dark time, the one thing that kept me going was knowing deep in my soul that somehow God still loved me and for some reason, I was not a contradiction to God. It was an inexplicable peace and assurance that came from deep within. As I studied the Bible and did extensive research, I gradually came to the realization that God is indeed bigger and wiser than my human mind could comprehend and above all, God’s greatest command is that of love. You can read more here.
It has been an arduous journey and at times, so difficult I almost gave up. But I can tell you honestly that now, I am happier than I have ever been. I’ve grown to accept, -- even cherish --- being gay. Growing up gay made me question and seek to understand love and truth at its roots. It helped me explore the depths of God’s love in ways that a straight person may never have felt the need to. Being gay opened my eyes and heart to those who are considered different --- the oppressed, the out-of-the-ordinary, the outcasts.
I came out to my parents about 10 years ago. It was not easy for them but they have been wonderful in their love and support of me, for which I am very grateful. I know not everyone will be as understanding or accepting but I decided to tell my story here because it might just help someone like me. All of us have a story to tell. Would you be willing to share yours?
(Share Your Story)