Actually, I have been thinking of writing you this letter long long time ago. But I have been hesitating as I know in the process of writing such a letter, I will inevitably need to recall and elaborate on things that I do not feel comfortable with. However, now I believe that it is better for me to let you know all the crucial things related to you that I have been keeping to myself for too long. I do not think I will feel much better if I continue suppressing my thoughts.
I know you are one of the very meaningful annual events held in Malaysia all this while. I know you have been making a significant contribution to promoting social awareness and social change in Malaysia. Because of your mission and contribution, I used to support and attend your activities. But unfortunately, things have totally changed since I was intensely attracted to a woman who is also your supporter. Worse still, she has been taken by another woman who is also closely related to you. Both of them will certainly turn up at your activities. In order to avoid the people and things that I do not really want to see, I had stopped supporting you and attending your activities since then. Whenever I come across your news, I will inevitably think of my love interest and her partner since both of them are closely related to you, and this makes me feel very uncomfortable. I believe I will not know how to place myself if I attend your activities.
It’s been years since I was attracted to that woman, let’s call her A. But as I mentioned earlier, I do not have the opportunity to approach her and get to know her better because she has been taken by another woman. I also do not have the opportunity to confess my feelings for her since we are still just normal friends. If my relationship with A is more than normal friends, I would have plucked up the courage to tell her my feelings. Even if she rejects my confession, I believe things would have been very different.
I used to think that once I have settled down in Singapore and get to know more PLU friends over there, I will meet a nice woman who can be my soulmate. But things just did not turn out that way at all. I have been studying and living in Singapore for more than three years and I am still single, and still having feelings for A. It seems that my feelings for her is just like a disease that is hard to cure. I have tried different ways to let go but things just do not work out.
On the other hand, although I had stopped supporting you a long time ago, I still have a strong passion for the main causes that you have been involved in all this while. By not supporting you does not mean that I no longer have a passion for those very meaningful causes. Just that it is no longer convenient for me to support and to be involved in such causes through you.
I hope you will not be angry with me for not liking any of your Facebook pages although some of my friends do. I hope you will not be angry with me for deleting any emails relating to you and your activities. I hope you will not be angry with me for ignoring and hiding most of your news on Facebook and Twitter. I hope you will not be angry with me for not taking time to come back and attend your activities.
Things would be very different if I have never been attracted to A, or if I have met a nice woman who could be my partner. But things just did not turn out the way I expected. I have no idea how long this will last.
I hope you will understand my dilemma and will forgive me for not supporting you due to these very personal reasons. Perhaps we really do not have ‘yuan’ (缘) (a Buddhist-related Chinese concept that means the predetermined principle that dictates a person’s relationships and encounters such as the affinity among friends or lovers).
WL from Malaysia